The Proper Grownup Guide to NSA Sex

You need sex, it doesn’t really matter with whom, but you’d rather not open up a can of relationship worms right now for whatever reason, so NSA sex is the way forward. You find a potential “friend” and know that you’ve both got an itch that needs scratching, so you do a little dance around each other (usually via text) that goes something along the lines of the below. Trust me, variations of this are going on around the world constantly (purpose and/or true meaning of conversation in brackets and italics).

 “Meet up?” (Testing the water)

 “Yeah sure, what shall we do?” (What exactly are you asking?)

 “Oh I don’t know, meet for a drink?” (I’m just warming you up)

“Yeah but I’m skint/tired/no where’s open/I just want to chill” (I want to have sex with you too)

 “Come to mine?” (Blatant)

 “Yeah sure. Jeez, the opposite sex are wankers/psycho bitches, this is why I don’t want a relationship right now.” (Forming a fake connection and promoting intimacy while setting boundaries)

 “God yeah, me neither. Let’s talk about it when we meet up. Everyone else on the planet is a dick.” (Solidifying the bond and forming an exclusive alliance, increasing intimacy while confirming the rules)

“Yeah, I’m not a dick, and you’re not either, but the universe is full of them. I have needs though.” (Confirming the alliance and hinting at potential physical contact)

 “Me too. I suppose while you’re here we could have a cuddle.” (Is this platonic?)

 “That will be very nice.” (Nope. I’m going to have sex with you)

Everyone knows what’s really going on. Maybe you’re not fully aware of the steps (I am because I’m a massive nerd who finds this kind of shit fascinating) but this is pretty much what happens every time.

However, regardless of whether this is an OLD hook up, or an ill-advised “agreement” with a friend, NSA sex is fraught with potential complications. Catching the feels, being a douche, coming across as a psycho, or inadvertently breaking someone’s heart, urgh, it’s all very dangerous territory.

The following is a list of suggestions which might help to avoid any douchy/psycho behaviour, falling for someone, and to ensure that everyone has a jolly nice (and safe) time. Some of these are a result of my own mistakes experiences, but not all of them. People also talk to me and I listen. I’ve divided them into handy before, during and after guidelines to keep things organised, because ya know, let’s keep this organised, people.

Before…

  1. Don’t do this with an ex, a friend’s ex, anyone who is in a relationship (or just got out of one) or anyone that you have, or may develop, any feelings whatsoever for. Just no.
  2. People are driven by two things: what’s in their pants, and vanity. Remember this arrangement is about both. To be good at this you need to satisfy both parts of the person, while remembering that that’s why they’re here, not for anything else.
  3. Also remember three crucial words… “Any. Way. In”. Guys, girls… EVERYONE will take any way in to satisfy their vanity and/or their genitals. Anyone who says they won’t are lying. So don’t take anything they say prior to sex seriously.
  4. If someone says they “never do this” they are probably lying. Everyone has needs and this type of arrangement gets more common the older, pickier and more set in their ways that people get.
  5. Never, at any time, text “good morning” or “good night” to your FB. That’s what you do with people you care about and this isn’t a relationship. For this to be successful it must be an entirely detached process on both sides, while remaining amicable and friendly. Think of how you would behave in an informal work setting (for example at a works do) then add sexting, its relaxed and friendly but never crossing the line into life outside of “work”. Likewise, try to avoid anything more than cursory references to your day to day life, sorry but nobody cares and if they say they do, they’re lying simply because they want to have sex with you.

During…

  1. Avoid making any proclamation of feelings/I’ve always wanted to do this with you/I think you’re amazing/or anything else that could be construed as “relationshippy”. Is gives someone the completely wrong impression and everyone should always go into sex with their eyes wide open. Keep it to the standard “you’re hot” etc type of ego stroking. And make sure you DO tell your FB they’re hot, don’t forget that you’re there to satisfy the privates AND as the pride.
  2. Be safe, in whatever way that is meaningful to you.
  3. Unless by prior arrangement, don’t bring anything weird out on the first shag. Keep the spreader bars, anal beads, nipple clamps and gimp suits safely in the cupboard until you’ve discussed it outside of the bedroom. Some people don’t like that and/or are weirded out by it.
  4. Girls if you’re going to be on, or you come on at the last minute, just warn the poor guy. That shit can be scary to the uninitiated (but likewise some guys are totally there for it).
  5. If there is any cost involved (food, entertainment etc) for god’s sake share the cost. This isn’t a date. Ensure you have cash on hand if you think you might need it and settle up any electronic payments in the moment.

Afterwards. The 24 hours following the act are absolutely CRUCIAL to avoid potential douchy/psycho behaviour…

  1. Take a day to think about it before deciding whether or not you want a repeat performance. Immediately afterwards you will be buzzing from the adrenaline and endorphins and likely think it was amazing. After the initial excitement has worn off you may realise it wasn’t as good as you thought and therefore not worth doing again.
  2. Do not come across as needy, by repeated texting, banging on about what happened the day/night before or making suggestions about doing it again immediately. They will be terrified that you’re a psycho who they’ll never shake.
  3. However, even worse is giving someone the cold shoulder. If you have been texting frequently in the lead up, suddenly going dark is rude and douchy. If you don’t want sex again just be honest about it (kindly) and then gradually tail it off (preferably within 48 hours). Likewise don’t ramp it up either by breaking any of the pre-sex rules, they all still apply.
  4. Don’t suddenly hide your online status (douchy) or leave people on read (also douchy). But don’t immediately suggest another hookup either, give everyone a chance to consider their options.
  5. If you feel yourself falling for someone and can’t be trusted not to go too far, archive all conversations with them so you don’t have to see them at the top of your chats. In fact, this is best practice regardless. And if you know that you’ve both said enough, mute the conversation so you’re not tempted to message in response to their polite goodbye. If things are really bad or if you have form for getting overly attached, block them and delete their number from your phone entirely.

Personally, I’ve had limited success with NSA sex. I find it hard to find someone who doesn’t give me the ick, and even the best experiences leave me feeling “well I could have done that by myself much quicker and without any drama, needing to put on my best undies or having to worry about people’s feelings.

But I hope my slightly obsessive research might provide useful for someone. Happy humping.

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