I bloody love dating, it’s so much fun. Getting dressed up and meeting someone you’ve never met before at a pub or for coffee, it feels sexy and glamourous to me. I love the interesting new smell of an aftershave I’m not familiar with, or the memories of one I am. Those first few moments are filled with such anticipation and intrigue. 

Then you quickly either realise that a) they’re definitely not the one, or b) your life is going to be fucked for the next few months at least, possibly forever, and suddenly dating isn’t all fun and games. Oh joy.

The first option is usually a relief for me. At least then I can enjoy the date knowing that I will get to bed at a decent hour, won’t have to sacrifice any alone time in the following weeks and months, and certainly won’t have an IC flare as a result of sex (a post coming about IC in the future (you lucky people), feel free to google in the meantime). Honestly, when I know the person isn’t the one, I just sit back, relax and enjoy getting to know someone new that I know I’ll probably never see again. We will become threads in the tapestry of each other’s lives and that’s simply fine by me.

It’s the second lot that cause all the issues. First on the list, their shit. I have learned to navigate all his (or her) shit on the first date because it’s polite to sort out the other person first and decide whether or not they’re worth the hassle. Do they have kids (baggage), and if they do is there any time when you’re both child free together (if no mutual child free time, just walk out now, this is a non-starter). Where they live (mortgage, rented, with parents/housemates? Do you really want to have housemates listen to your sex noises? And sharing a bathroom is for me a massive NO) Also, how you’re going to get to each other (bonus baggage if they don’t drive but you do)? What kind of work do they do, does it fit into your routine? Are they over their ex? Just listen to how they talk about them, if they sound angry and bitter, they are NOT over them, get out while you can. Not taking responsibility for their share in the relationship going south? Mehhhh, red flag, move on. Weird vibes? Made any strange sexual suggestions? Lied or misled you about ANYTHING at all? Mehh, mehh, mehh, nope.

If, by some miracle you get past all of his shit and end up with an amazing guy or girl (as I have been lucky enough to on a few occasions), you then have to navigate the hot mess that is my shit. And this is where my baggage makes its dramatic entrance marching in and obnoxiously taking over the room like a gigantic camp unicorn playing a trumpet and wearing a novelty cowboy hat.

You see my baggage is none of the above. I do have kids (who are cool AF btw), but I get plenty of child free time, they’re getting older now, and besides they have an amazing dad thank you. I drive and have my own car, I work for myself so pick my own hours (but try to stick to the standard 9-5 model because that’s what the world is mostly set up for), me and my exes all get on famously and I can look back on all my past relationships knowing that we each played a part in their demise. I don’t think I give off weird vibes that I’m aware of, I’m not into anything (too) weird sexually, and you’ll never meet anyone more honest. And in fact, armed with this knowledge, I go into every date honestly believing that I’m a really chilled, laid back kind of person. I sound like a right catch, don’t I?

Well yeah of course. BUT… I’m actually a complete nightmare and do my own head in on a daily basis.

Firstly, I like, no LOVE, my routine. I’ve got it just how I like it and I don’t want anyone coming in and fucking with it thank you very much. This means I like to keep my schedule tight, I get more done this way, I’m more positive and more productive and I don’t miss out on anything that I love or need to do. But at the same time, please don’t expect to keep doing the same things over and over again, because that’s just boring.

I want complete equality for myself and all women, however I DO expect you to treat me like a lady and that means opening my car door, being super protective and holding an umbrella for me (yes, I’m that old fashioned and hypocritical).

DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF. But also, I’ll love you if you tidy up after me and are into cleaning because I’m so not. But also, DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF (did I mention I’m a hypocrite?).

I need masses of time by myself, however I expect you to be at my complete beck and call and work around my timing and availability by being available all the time. However, go and see your friends for god’s sake, I can’t be the be all and end all of your life.

I try to be honest about all of this from the outset, I want people to know what they’re getting into but I suppose I must miss some things out, otherwise my second date success rate probably wouldn’t be at its current brag worthy 100%.

Perhaps surprisingly (I said PERHAPS), I have met a few people who are willing to work around my list of rules and regulations suggestions for the best way of doing things. Because I really do try to be completely open and honest about what a maniac I am, and I own my shit. I own the fact that I’m a nightmare at times, and I always admit when I’m wrong or being overly difficult. And I’m super apologetic that I’m not perfect and will bend over backwards to make up for a snapped word, or a cold shoulder because I’ve been busy.

So yeah, you could say I’m high maintenance but at least I try to own it. Because honestly, isn’t everyone their own kind of fucked up? Even those who appear super laid back and chilled, are just a big ole’ pile of crazy. So yeah, let’s just be real here.

But the dating pool is safe from me at the moment as I’m not out there right now, so guys and girls feel free to Bumble, Tinder and Pof without fear of running into me. But just a heads up, be warned, I WILL be back.